The Makeup Counter, or Am I on Another Planet?

I may have mentioned that if you were to try to categorize me, you might think of me as an aging hippie. While I came of age after the apex of the hippie movement, I DID live in Denver, which held onto the movement for another decade and a half after California had moved on to it's next incarnation.
My hippie-ness translates itself thusly:
I don't have a hairstyle to speak of and my hair is probably too long for my years.
I don't dress very well. I do NOT own a pair of heels. I love cotton clothing.
And, the makeup counter at any store is incomprehensible to me. I have no clue what most of that stuff is, and do not know how to wear it. I own no eye shadow. When I got married, a friend of mine came over and put eye shadow on me. She stated "You have great eyelids!" Whatever that means.
I can not abide the feeling of foundation on my face. The best I can do is that powder stuff and that's only for a short period of time, until I get home and can wash it off.
I have very light eyebrows and I know most women would like me to use eyebrow pencil.
One time, I allowed someone to put makeup on me. I think it may have been at the Lancome counter. That was about 15 years ago.
I thought I looked like a clown. Was that lady making fun of me? Or did she really mean to make me look that way? I'm still unsure and even if I could locate her after all these years, I don't think she would tell me the truth anyway.
Do I need a makeup intervention? Shall we ambush me on "What Not to Wear" and give me the works?
Is there any help for me?