Monday, July 4, 2011

Self-Preservation, or Naivete?

One may have already gotten the impression that I grew up a little "rough". No adult caring enough about my brother & I to give us security and safety.
I can remember the day that I made the decision on my life's philosophy, the credo by which I would operate.
I was 15 years old, living with an abusive aunt and drunk uncle in rural Georgia. While riding on the school bus one afternoon, on the way back home, dreading being back on the farm and in the chaos, I saw my reflection in the window of the bus.
I was surprised that there was a reflection to see. This may have been the first time that I acknowledged to myself that there was a "self". And I realized it was time to figure out who I was.
I remember knowing that this was a turning point for me, an important crossroads. Who am I, and who do I want to be? Who would the forever person be, what type of human being?
Certainly, I didn't want to model myself after those persons who had been in charge of Martin's & my own welfare up to this point.....
And my decision was this: I would not become a hardened person, I would not allow myself to view people with mistrust, that it would be too easy for me to hate, and I didn't want that.
So I stepped way back, and made a conscious decision to judge each person as who I see when I meet her/him at the moment of our meeting.
You can tell me whatever you wish about a person, I will make up my own mind.
Does this mean I face disappointment? Do I get fooled?
Oh, yes.
But this is the choice I made many years ago. I think I'm a much better person for my choice.
You may see me as naive. I see myself as kind.

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