Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Search for inner peace

I have been on a search for as long as I can remember.
As a child, the chaos of my so-called family made me alternately lash out or curl up within myself.
As a teen, I honestly wondered if living was even worth the heartache it caused me.
As a young 20 something, I spent some time escaping reality, although I have always had a strong sense of self-preservation and did my best to be in control and to be safe.
Then along came my husband and children, who took me out of myself and gave me a purpose. Maybe that is what I was lacking the entire time- a way to get my mind off myself.
Now the kids are launched and again, I'm looking for the answer, the WHY? of my existence.
Now I go to church every Sunday morning if I can, and read a bit of the Bible every day and pray in the morning.
My prayer is clunky and not at all eloquent. After all, who can be good at something that's new to her?
But I hope God knows my intention, and I hope He cuts me some slack for at least trying.

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